Pretense
by Nanashisia
Summary: “And so I play along in this farce, as if nothing has ever happened. “ (Answer to Purple)


A child of the riverbank, that's who I am.

Worthless. Unloved.

That person took me in, a worthless weapon, unable to be used. Or so I thought, but that person wielded me, skillfully, beautifully. Cutting down enemies, painting both steel and fabric with crimson.

That person took care of me. That person gave me love. We slept, we ate, we train, we patrolled, we fought. Together. That person was my master. And I was his sword.

I never liked the colour blue, but the colour of the clear blue sky, draped across of my shoulders, was to my liking. It proved I'm that person's, it proved that this is where I belong.

That is, until he came along. Bright blue eyes. A mole under the left. Thick messy navy hair framing his round face. Knuckles white from gripping that person's sleeve.

I looked at him. He looked at me.

That person laughed as he introduced us.

Another sword? Why? _? Am I useless? Unneeded, to the point of finding another blade to serve as your companion, one also said to be difficult to use?

I hated him. I should be the only weapon that person had. The only one to be used, to finish what that person set out for. Not him. This is where I belong, I won't let him take it away from me.

He's an idiot. He's a glutton. He's also clingy, always tugging on one of that person's sleeves. He's an idiot— oh, I've said that twice. He tried to invite Navy to train with us, even though he never spoke to me even once, the time we've served under the flag of sincerity. He always shot remarks at what I said.

He has a very bright smile. When eating something sweet, when that person praised him, I'm jealous, when we've finished training, when a mission is completed. He always had that goofy smile. Too innocent. Too pure. Even though we're weapons.

Even though we're stained with blood.

Despite his bright smile and foolish attitude, he's quiet and shy. I've noticed. He only gets along with those of his kind— our kind— and that person. He never held a conversation for longer than 5 minutes outside of our circle.

Despite his sunny self, he also has another self, much like Navy. His ferocity is only shown on the battlefield, cutting that person's enemies without any remorse, not even batting an eye. And then he's back to how he usually was, as soon as we returned.

I thought I understood him, but then I realized I'm nowhere from truly understanding him.

That person coughed. I knew from long ago, that that person had an illness. It's probably incurable, judging from how that person hasn't recovered in the slightest, and the amount of attacks he had. He was also worried, clinging to that person even more so than usual.

I felt like I've lost my place as that person's. Am I still his favorite? Or has he taken over that position that I had long preserved? Am I useless? It was all I had in mind, these useless, negative thoughts… until that night…

That person had chosen to bring me, leaving him behind. He waved at our retreating figures, the same goofy smile plastered on his face. But I could feel it. Beneath that smile, lies a multitude of emotions, disappointment being the most prominent one. Of course, I would've felt the same… probably even worse.

We split up. Navy and Cyan went together, and Black came with me— with us. Under the cover of darkness, we raided. The sounds of metal clashing together forming a rhythmic melody, echoing in the halls. Everything was going fine, or so I thought. I was too cocky, too confident in myself— A fit of coughs, an incoming attack and—

Snap.

Everything started to blur. Noises were ringing in my ears. My body feels numb.I can't think straight. The world is getting darker and darker. Please…. Please save me. Someone, Anyone! _! _!

But nobody came. Not that person, not him, no one. Darkness enveloped me. I see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing.

Is this what humans call death?

Without light and sound, there was no way to determine where I was or what time it was. I merely closed my eyes, floating through nothingness, for what seemed like an eternity, until a force pulled me away from the darkness with a flurry of petals.

After feeling absolutely nothing in the darkness, there were so many sensations coming to me at once, overwhelming me. I saw an unknown human in front of me, looking equally as confused as I am.

After finishing my introduction, they smiled and introduced themselves as my master, and the mission I was entrusted. I also learned what happened to me that night later on.

That person abandoned me. I was irreparable. I was unloved.

I knew it.

They were kind to me. They love me. I'm their first. Even after others came, they still depended on me the most. They love me, unlike that person. I was happy. I thought I no longer have to dwell in the past, until he came.

The same as he was, draped in the sky blues and whites that I've come to despise. He even dared to utter that person's name upon his arrival…! He was confused when he saw me, as if he had just seen a ghost. Granted, I was broken, or at least, supposed to be. The confusion was justified.

He ran up to me and pulled me into a hug. Why? Why is he crying? He said nothing, nothing at all as he sobbed into my shoulder, as if he missed me. As if he blames himself for what had happened.

Lies. All lies.

Training. Sortie. Chores. New members. Cyan came here. He looked a lot different. Bigger, taller. But inside, he's still the same, the child we knew him as, a rebellious crybaby. He doesn't show it, but he misses Navy, who was said to be lost when the age of us swords ended, and they didn't know if they could call upon him like they did to us.

He observed the others when he was doing nothing. Merely staring, not a single word spoken. A contrast between his usual foolish demeanor, something that wasn't there when we were under that person's wing.

He sighed, looking at the distance in a melancholic expression. It's at these moments that I knew— I don't even know how, I just do— that he's thinking about that person. That person who abandoned me. But I never said anything, and neither did he.

Navy arrived. He was observing him closely. Navy acted differently towards Cyan than he did in the past. Softer, brighter, less fake. I sometimes caught him staring with a twinkle in his eyes. He's infatuated. He asked me about it, and I replied that it's Love.

There's no way you would understand love.

Navy left on a journey. To become stronger. For Cyan. But was it worth it? Cyan already had someone else. They were always together, sometimes arguing, sometimes getting along— begrudgingly so much like us. In the span of the time Navy was gone, Cyan was already happy in his own way, without his help. It seemed like he had also noticed the same.

So, let me ask again, was it really worth it?

Navy came back different. Stronger. He went to their quarters to report, and came back out, just to see Cyan kissing— his hopes all but crushed— and froze. Navy ran away, but I could clearly see the tears in his eyes. The sole reason he wanted to be stronger was out of reach to him.

Navy changed after that. No matter how he tried to hide it, I could clearly see him putting up a fragile mask whenever he's with Cyan. His smiles looked even more fabricated than the one he wore in the past, as if he would be found out and everything would come crashing down the moment he lets his guard down, even for the slightest bit. I don't blame him.

He came to me to ask about Navy, apparently also coming to the same conclusion. "A self defense mechanism, I guess?" I replied to him when asked about his demeanor. On the topic of demeanor, his had been getting on my nerves. Why was he intently observing everyone around him?

I loaded all of my frustrations on him one night, when we were about to sleep. He looked extremely shocked, parting his lips as if to answer, but I got nothing out of him, even after I waited for a bit. I decided to go to sleep immediately, ignoring the dull throbbing of pain in my chest.

I went to their quarters the next day, asking about the slight pain the night before. They laughed, saying that I probably felt like it hurt to be mad at him. I asked them the reason, and was casually shot back with another question to my own.

"Isn't it love?"

I laughed out loud at that. Me? Love that fool? Please. The only one I love is them, and they smiled at me when I said so, waving me out of the room. The first thing i see is him and Navy talking. Me loving him? Never. The pain came back as I ignored his gaze and walked away. Never.

He started observing me after that day. Honestly, it creeped me out having someone pay this close of an attention to me, as if everything that made me who I am would be laid completely bare. It's terrifying.

I started thinking about what they said. Love. I love them, that's a fact. But I don't love him. Like, maybe. But not love. Definitely not love.

I like his bright smile. Not as bright as Navy's horribly fake smile, but it's contagious, especially when he's chomping down snacks with that foolish smile. I like the banter we regularly have, as stupid as they are. I like the ferocity he has on the battlefield, swiftly cutting down our enemies.

I don't like it when he's thinking about that person. That person is gone. Why can't he focus on the present instead of grieving over the past? I don't like it when he shed tears. It pained me. All I wanted to do was to wipe the tears away and tell him to stop. Stop thinking about that person.

I wanted to apologize for yelling at him, for unloading all my frustrations on him. It was unjustified. But he was late, much too late. I lied down on my futon, waiting for what seemed like an eternity, before sleep overtook me.

I woke up in the dead of the night, in the pitch black of the darkness, reminiscent of the time when I— No, that's not important. What time was it? I was going to apologize to him…

Speaking of which, where is he? The room was void of any sound, which in itself was peculiar, since it would usually be filled with his soft snoring… I lit up a candle and looked around.

He's not here.

His futon was untouched, even though I had gone out of my way to arrange it. Nothing had really changed from before I fell asleep so… Was he probably drinking too much and fell asleep along with Cyan and Black? If that's so then Navy would've come to let me know to go get him.

I was about to look for him, but I noticed something was very wrong. Something that should've been in this room, now gone. Something important to us, the one thing that defined our very existence, our real self.

His blade… it's gone.

Why? There had been no reason that it should be gone. He hadn't been assigned on any sorties nor expeditions. He had no reason to have taken it— Unless… Unless he's going to… leave?

Why? Was it what I said? Was it the time where I yelled at him? Is he finally sick of me? It hurts. It hurts more than the dull throbbing from before. It's so much more intense. Please… Please make it stop.

It… It must be a mistake. He was definitely in either Black's room… or Navy and Cyan's shared room… Yeah… He must be there.

I peeked into Cyan and Navy's room. Sure enough, they were there, with the former passed out drunk and the latter was folding laundry. Navy noticed me in the doorway looking around and he shot me a questioning look, tilting his head. I shook my head and left.

Black's room held the same results— there was no trace of him. Black asked me who I was looking for, and I told him he hadn't come back to our room. He hummed, saying that the last time he saw him was at dinner, and so I left it at that.

I let my feet take me wherever they wished to— He doesn't get along with anyone as much as he does with us, so where was he— and without realizing, I've arrived at their quarters. If someone would know where he could be, it should definitely be them.

He's gone on his journey.

Oh.

He's gone, without telling anyone. Without telling me. Such an important thing, but yet none of us was told. Why? Are we— Am I that insignificant? Was that it?

(Wait… why am I so concerned of what he thinks of me?)

I bit my lip, pushing back the tears that threatened to fall as I smiled at them, thanking them before getting out of the room as quickly as possible. As soon as I was out, I quickly headed out to my— our room.

No one should see me like this. This ugly, pathetic side of me. Maybe that's why he left without saying anything. Maybe that's why he left. It was all because of me. I couldn't even apologize for all the things I said.

And so I entered our room, not bothering to turn on the lights as I walked towards where I've laid out the futons. The thought that he's gone kept replaying in my mind. It hurts. Please… please come back (to me).

Tears flowed, accompanied by small sobs and hiccups as I curled into his futon. I couldn't just sleep it off like I did with anything else. This is different. This is something I don't want to ever happen again.

A few days, maybe a week. That's what they said, when I asked them when he would be back. And so I waited, whilst trying to adjust to daily life without him. Sure, it would only be a few days, but it's different.

Morning comes forth, and I usually see his foolish but yet endearing face. Breakfast; we race to the hall, holding a contest to see who eats the fastest. Noon; working together in the fields, tending to the horses, mundane chores, or even sparring. Sorties; standing side by side, working together to eliminate all opposition. Dinner, bathtime, and soon it would be time to sleep. I brush his tangled locks and he'll complain, but yet never acts on them.

It was all already a routine, but I simply never noticed, until I woke up without him beside me, snoring loudly in his sleep. No one to argue over the smallest things. No one to fight over food with. No one to compete in stupid competitions.

It's… lonely.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turn into months. Time goes by, and he's still not back yet. Was it really my fault? Will he even come back? That was the only thing I thought of, until he came back with that same foolish smile (that I love).

He looked a bit different. More melancholic than he used to be, among other things. The most prominent change was that he doesn't speak of that person, not anymore. I should be happy, but instead I'm worried. That person was his everything. That person always occupied his mind— for him to abandon that person is…

I laid out his futon, much like I did that night, preparing myself to finally, finally apologize for that time—

I love you.

I froze. He looked at me expectantly before smiling at me— different from his usual smiles, different from the smiles that I love. Different, but yet hauntingly similar to Navy's. Without a word, he laid down and turned away.

I couldn't move. I couldn't say anything. I sat there, staring at his back. I wanted to say something— anything— but nothing came out. Not even when I could hear light snoring coming from his sleeping figure. Not even when I laid down beside him, staring at the ceiling in the darkness.

I started avoiding him like I plague. I couldn't face him. I didn't know what to say. I could only focus on what I was doing, to distract me from the thoughts. Truth to be told, I was… happy. When he told me that he loves me, I felt like a burden have been lifted off. But it was wrong. I love them. They are everything for me, just like how that person used to be for him. I can't return his feelings. it'll only hurt both him and myself.

I went to their quarters later that day, and told them about him. They smiled at me, telling me that It's a good thing that he also had the same feelings. But I love them, I said and they shook their head.

What desire do you wish of me?

I want you to praise me, I wanted to do my best for you, I—

Then, what about him?

I—

I couldn't answer. They smiled. There are different kinds of love. They spoke, patting me on the head. The love you have for me is different from the love you're thinking of, but at the same time, your love for him is the one you have been seeking. I looked at them. They were still smiling as they continued. Please don't hurt him and yourself. And so I've decided.

I resolved myself to tell him about it after a few days, calling him over to an area no one frequents, so we're alone and won't be interrupted. I took a deep breath as I looked at his expectant expression.

I'm sorry, I can't return your feelings right now so please give me—

That's okay.

What? I looked at him. His eyes were closed and he nodded. What? He turned around and started walking away. What? I called out to him, he didn't respond.

Please! Give me some time to sort out my feelings! Please listen to me!

But he never even looked back.

He never once brought the subject up anymore, acting like how he used to before any of it ever happened. Everytime I tried to bring it up myself, he would completely dodge the question and direct the conversation away.

Is this my fault?

(Yes it is.)

They were right. I love him. But I couldn't decide. I hurt both him and myself. I hurt him with my words, as sharp as the blade I call my real body. In the end, I'm just a weapon, a blade, incapable of true love.

I'm broken, I'm a defect. I can't fix it. I can't undo what I've done. I can't do anything but act like how I used to. I can't even say four simple words; I love you too.

And so I play along in this farce, as if nothing has ever happened.


End file.
